Carnival is a time of grand celebrations across the world, but the people in Grabsmack are also preparing for another major event: the National Don’t Be a Cretin Day. Contrary to the colorful, noisy revelry of carnival, this day is more of a commemoration but it has a story of origin that is worth retelling.
It was about twelve years ago, on January 20th to be precise, when the entire town had just put the finishing touches on the big carnival and, as night fell, set off for the festivities. There were concerts by popular local bands, the town choir with its distinctly modern sound, dancers, fire-eaters, fairground entertainers, and, of course, the eagerly awaited highlight of the evening: the costume contest.
And this was no ordinary costume contest—every single Grabsmackian took it dead seriously. Or, at the very least, almost dead seriously. The planning, sewing, assembling, and crafting went on all year. Families, old and new friend groups, workplace collectives, even entire apartment buildings teamed up to create the most outlandish, shocking, and memorable costumes possible.
Among them was Andy Bubbles and his circle of friends—an old school friendship that had grown into a shared hobby and mutual trust. Their grand plan was to dress up as lemmings. And to make an even bigger splash, they would throw themselves off Skylark Cliff on the edge of town—because, well, that’s what lemmings do, isn’t it?
Well… once word of their little surprise act started spreading, there wasn’t a single person who didn’t try to talk them out of it. But Andy and his friends were impossible to convince. They confidently shot down every argument with gems like:
- “Nature wouldn’t allow an animal to willingly run to its death.”
- “If it were really deadly, lemmings would’ve gone extinct long ago.”
- “If it were so dangerous, animal rights activists would’ve lost their minds over it!”
- “It can’t be lethal. Animals instinctively know what’s good for them! Millions of years of evolution, duh.”
- “You can’t just believe everything the mainstream says! Or the TV. Or the mainstream TV.”
But, of all of them, the ultimate showstopper came from Vera, Andy’s wife, who, when asked, “Don’t you understand you can actually die?”, simply flashed a girlish yet unwavering smile and said:
“And what if we won’t?”
And so, twelve years ago, twelve alternative-thinkers dressed as lemmings took a huge leap off Skylark Cliff and gave one last middle finger toward the onlooking crowd while plummeting — but before they could even finish their triumphant “Told you so, dumba..!”, they thudded, splattered and splashed into the valley below.
That night, instead of a costume contest, the gathered citizens of Grabsmack held an emergency meeting. Since they were already there, it didn’t take long to reach a consensus: never in the town’s history had anyone managed to fuck up an event this badly. And to ensure such monumental stupidity would never happen again, they unanimously voted to declare January 20th as:
National Don’t Be a Cretin Day.
Every year since, Grabsmackians take a moment to reflect on an eternal truth:
Even if something sounds logical at first; if it has nothing to do with reality, it is still an absolute load of bullshit.
